It’s important to you that things work your way.  You’re not one to be pushed down.  You’re the shepherd, not the sheep, and it bothers you when you are stuck with the herd.  If I were in the same position, I would understand.

Part of you feels guilty that you missed the first nine years of my life.  Well, more than just part.  I’m willing to bet that all of you feels guilty.  There’s sadly nothing we can do about that now.  Working constantly got to you.  I remember you coming home - the rare days that you were home - and being so unhappy, ranting constantly.  It drained you.  It drained little me, even though I didn’t know it at the time.  It certainly drained mom.

You tried hard to correct that problem and when you did, you were happy.  But now that you’re at a new job where the work is constant again, you’re unhappy.  To make matters worse, things don’t have to be that way.  People just insist that things are that way.  They don’t see things the way you do.  They don’t understand what’s wrong.  They don’t have the experience that you do, missing your child for nine years.  They have no idea.

But every day, you come home irritated.  It pains me.  It pains me to see you go through all the hell that you once had to go through, again.  It makes me scared because you want and need to change it, and I’m afraid of another change.  I thought that the feeling of uncertainty was over and it’s back again.  You say that the day you shut up and stop complaining is the day that we know there’s something truly wrong; that you’ve succumbed to the hell you’re going through and the struggle is over.  At that time, you would be brainwashed.  

I know it’s just as hard for you as it is for me, except worse.  I feel bad for you.  You spent four years chasing your dream, expecting to be happy when the four years were over.  Those four years were a sacrifice, and now we’re wondering if the sacrifice was all worth it.

I promise I’ll blow on every dandelion I see, wish at 11:11 twice a day, pull on every wishbone, and toss every coin until it’s better for all of us.